The mountain man. (an Allman Brothers Band reference)

The days after the Jyonansen have been completely stressful days for me, I have to admit. For starters, I can say that it's like I slept through the whole week because of the accumulated fatigue from the three-day event; nevertheless, I did manage to get everything done, in terms of what I needed to do. Secondly, the work always kills me: the obligation to write fieldnotes for anthropology and the "surprise midterm" so we could show off to guest lecturers or whatever you want to call them; tests left and right in Japanese, and finally:

"People think you're creepy because you hang out by yourself [and you mind your own business]."

What the hell.

It's obvious that if you don't have connections, you can't move on in life. But that doesn't mean that I don't have to make something happen between every other person in this goshdammit world, y'know. Stupid people are those who judge without knowing the person they judge, and I count myself as one of the "stupid people." But hey, stupid people, admit that you're stupid! You think that I'm "creepy" because I'm not you or I don't hang out with you, that's all.

A hockey teammate told me that he can't trust anyone because precarious situations can come easily in this unstable world and that once you trust someone, you put yourself and your life in their hands. So maybe I should watch out for that. I've been told to watch out for myself constantly and, accordingly, I should start doing that lest I get criticized for something I never did or do. And another thing, I think that I should literally chastise those who talk about me because everyone should be honest and I can't imagine dishonest people telling off those who attempt to live in this world with decency. So, "fuck off," you who speak horribly of me.

Frank Sinatra once sang, "I know I'm gonna change that tune / when I'm back on top, back on top in June" and it hit me: I can make it happen on my own if I just try. Lately I've been going with the flow, following everyone else. I have the opportunity to stand out in a homogenized country like Japan just by being myself, moderately, of course. I'll try not to do the "stupid white boy shit" --- valuable advice from my dorm friends --- but I'll also try to introduce the interesting (somewhat) personality that I've hidden from others since my arrival in March. I think it's time for a new start, the opportunity to make more friends and long-lasting connections waits in the wings for me, I can see it.

That'll be all for now. Arrivederci!

Returned from the Jyonansen (上南戦) yesterday morning and I had some trouble keeping myself awake. Nevertheless, it was a good three-and-a-half days spent without having to worry so much about school, tests, and other things. Made a few friends at Nanzan University including a kid who claims to look like me because of the hairstyle . . . maybe I should take pictures to confirm, eh? The entire experience was hectic and yet quite peaceful. I had such a good time getting to know new people (even from my own team) and removing my inhibitions.

And when Monday afternoon came, I was pretty beat and still had to perform for the SAfro Family. The worst of it was when I was told that I'd be standing in the front row; I didn't know everything in terms of the choreography, so it was easy getting nervous and critical of the atmosphere around me. And I have to admit that I made a handful of mistakes and got upset over it. I told my hockey teammate (who managed to attend for the rest of our performance) that I messed up severely and whaddaya know, the few people to whom I apologized said that, "everyone made mistakes, too," but I still found myself troubled. And they were simple mistakes, too! Dammit, I have work on these things.

And so, today is the SAfro practice. I have a feeling someone took video on it and will show it to everyone. Will be a huge embarassment, but I don't know about that. It's something I don't want to waste my time on feeling, so everything'll seem okay.